


sweet painted lady

by Adarian



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Dubious Consent, F/M, Purple Hawke (Dragon Age), condoms exist in this universe because I said so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:41:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21726949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adarian/pseuds/Adarian
Summary: Instead of becoming a mercenary or a smuggler, Hawke instead accepts work from Madame Lusine and spends a year working at the Blooming Rose. The experience is overall quite unremarkable - the work isn't traumatizing or particularly titillating but simply hard work that allows for Bethany to be able to work elsewhere and build her social standing. Yet matters grow more complicated as the Templar presence increases at the Brothel, Bethany faces a possible engagement, and Hawke breaks her leg falling off the bed.Written for a kink-meme prompt.
Relationships: Anders/Female Hawke
Comments: 6
Kudos: 83





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Can we all believe that it's been years since I've been back on my DA2 bullshit? Amazing.
> 
> So my disclaimer: this prompt was requesting for a more realistic portrayal of sex work. I love the idea, I have never been one myself, and I tried my best to incorporate what I know into this universe. I tried, folks, I tried.

Hawke wasn't sure exactly what Leandra was telling people about Hawke's career, but she suspected it was something like nursing or something cutesy and feminine. Hawke wasn't much of a girly girl, as much as her mother wanted to put her in dresses and finery. Hawke suspected that's why Madame Lusine was interested in Bethany first. Bethany was sweet and delicate and had every man twirled around her little finger without even realizing it. At nineteen, she was everything Leandra had hoped her elder daughter would be. But Hawke was...not quite like that. Which turned out to work in their favour. Not every woman would agree to work at a brothel for a year to make ends meet. 

Really, it wasn't that bad. 

Her mother was horrified, of course. Which almost made it better.

Seven months in, the novelty and illicitness of it had worn off. It was a living. She hadn't been massively sexually active before in her life and it had taken a good three weeks before she didn't come home utterly exhausted. She always had a strong heart and her endurance was fine. It was just the muscle aches. There was a lot more thigh work than she ever expected to do, even in fairly tame activities. 

During that time, Bethany worked as a lady's maid. Hawke set aside the money she earned, after debt repayment and household expenses, for her new clothes and delicate shoes. Bethany wasn't extravagant to look at but she was at least as presentable as other women in her position. Hawke didn't have to worry about her own outfits in the same way. At the Rose she would bathe between clients and she could wear any number of costumes in the shared closets. The full time laundresses were sweet to her and often stowed a particularly nice dress to the side for her shift. Only one of the laced corseted dresses actually fit Hawke's figure and one of her clients had a flair for the dramatic. There was a lot of calling to each other across the Moors, whatever those were. The bodice was only ripped the one time but she had still never heard the end of it from the laundresses. 

In short, sex work wasn't a bad profession. She had no interest in continuing on with it after her year was up but she was trying to view it as a learning experience. She was meeting new people, learning new...skills. She was providing for her family. It was fine. Not bad at all, considering that she had nearly taken on work as a smuggler. This way Bethany could work at something she enjoyed and could find new opportunities for herself. And Hawke kept her family out of trouble. Gamlen spent a lot less money out too now, mostly because he couldn't go to one of his favorite establishments in fear of running into his niece. 

Hawke really had no complaints, before that fateful night. And it was so silly. She had been with this client a few times already. It wasn't a new position or anything particularly exciting. But somehow, Hawke fell off the bed, hitting her calf hard on the iron wrought frame. She thought she was fine at first and tried to get back up, only for her entire leg to feel like it had been struck by lightning. Her client screamed and Hawke looked down, equally horrified to see that she had clearly broken the bone hard enough to shift it beneath her skin. Hawke promptly passed out and her client ran out of the room crying for help.

One of the other workers, a brawny man originally from the Avvar, helped her dress in a robe before scooping her up and carrying her to Darktown. Hawke unabashedly cried into his shoulder and he rubbed her back, telling her that everything would be all right soon. Hawke shook her head. Yes, she was in a LOT of pain but she had just put a massive down payment on Bethany's new winter clothes. She couldn't afford to see a healer for this massive a job. And even if she did, how long would this take to heal? Would she be even able to work before the next payment was due? 

The Avvar man didn't really speak much of the same language as her so most of these questions were answered with a comforting "all right soon." Hawke was pretty close to passing out again and he held her tightly, assuringly. 

It was late but the clinic was still open. Her colleague laid her gently on an open cot and patted her hair before going off to find the healer. Hawke shuffled, trying to get a blanket underneath her over her body. It was freezing cold and she was barely wearing anything. With her luck, she'd get the flu on top of everything else. She was still struggling with the blanket when someone sat down on a stool beside her. He laid another blanket on top of her before going to her bare calf. He winced sympathetically. 

"You know when the workers from the Blooming Rose come running in the middle of the night, this isn't the usual injury I see," the healer said, merriment in his otherwise worn voice. "Sometimes a pulled muscle. Maybe even a black eye from a roleplay gone bad. Or something burns. I don't think that I've seen a broken leg from falling off the bed."

"Something burns?" 

The healer lectured, "If you use proper prophylactics and take the probiotic regime I've prescribed to the others, you'll likely be fine. And make sure to urinate after sex. You'll still probably get a UTI at some point but let's put that off as long as we can."

His hands ghosted over her skin and she felt the soft tingling of magic. She had felt this before when Bethany was little and tried to heal scraped knees or other bruises that children subject themselves to. Bethany had barely managed to heal a paper cut. Hawke wasn't expecting much more than a diagnosis from the healer's little spell. 

He apologized, "This is going to hurt. Just a quick breath in and count down from five for me, please." 

On three, the healer took Hawke's leg and twisted it sharply, realigning the bone. Hawke screamed out, tears streaming down her face. The healer apologized as he set the bone in a brace. The pain eased slowly, her leg growing warmer, like she was laying by a fireplace. Very gently, the healer helped her move to the edge of the cot and hooked her legs over the side. He felt the uninjured one first, examining how it was shaped or how the bone sat or something. The other one no longer hurt when he touched it but she was too scared to ask how it was.

Finally he looked up at her and maybe it was the relief from the pain making her loopy, but she was pretty sure she had never seen anyone with prettier eyes. 

"It's not as bad as it looks," he promised. "No splinters or fragments. A good clean break but you'll still need a week's bed rest. No work, not even lying on your back. Keep it elevated. I'll send a note to the Madame. I'll make sure you're excused from your duties. I don't know what that frame was made of, but it's not iron.."

"Anything for the pain?" She asked.

He shook his head. "I don't keep anything like that in my clinic. I've had too many break-ins. There's a potions dealer a bit further down the way. Raul. I trust him. You tell him I sent you and he'll only rip you off a little."

Hawke shook her head. "I don't know your name."

"There's only one healer around here, he knows me. Can your friend get back you home in one piece? I have a few cots here but only in case of emergencies."

"No, I can make my way back home. How much do I owe you?"

He gave a weary smile. "Only what you can spare. The Madame gives me a stipend to try to help pay the bills so don't worry about it."

Hawke refused, "No, I can pay my way. How much?"

"You're about to lose at least six days of work. Maybe more. I don't want your money. You get back to work and we'll worry about it then. Okay?"

Hawke sighed, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Fine."

The healer's eyes were briefly drawn to her barely covered bust and he cleared his throat before looking away. He seemed fairly disgusted with himself and Hawke found that almost endearing. 

The healer said, "So, come back next week and we'll see how it's doing. Remember, no weight and no work. Okay?"

Hawke agreed, "No weight, no work." 

____________________________ 

That was much easier said than done. Hawke didn't sit still by nature and her family seemed to keep forgetting that she was supposed to rest. Hawke got around a lot of it, figuring how to keep her leg supported on one chair while she was sitting in another so she was technically keeping it flat while cooking or cleaning. She read a little and slept even less, her brain constantly calculating how much money she was using up by staying at home. She considered trying to get to work and doing at least something but there was no way she was making it to the Rose without making her leg much worse. 

If she was alone, it would have been sad but she could have pulled through it. Maybe her and the dog. She could manage that. Even just Gamlen would have been okay. He'd been the most supportive, if one could call it that, of her temporary profession. Hawke guessed as long as money was coming in, he didn't care where it was from. And while he was gruff and gross, he seemed to respect she wanted space and gave it to her. Bethany was fussing over her whenever she was at home but she was spending more and more time out with other ladies in waiting. Lots of teashops and dances and other places nice young ladies looking for husbands go to. It was good, but it was an expensive habit, and it was hard not to start mentally subtracting coins as Bethany talked about all her new friends and their outings. Hawke thought Bethany was way too young to get married, but the thought of her being another household's financial issue was, at the moment, somewhat appealing. 

But they came and went, Bethany and Gamlen. The real source of stress was Leandra. Granted, that was normal, but spending every day together while not being able to run away was effectively torture. Her mother spent hours talking about the various people she had seen on her outings and what their children were accomplishing and how tragic it was that a girl as lovely as Bethany should be a maid and how Hawke was so so kind to sacrifice so much for her little sister. Leandra was viewing Hawke as a fallen woman who one day might find a kindly older man who wouldn't mind her past and take her as a mistress. 

Normally, Hawke would usually laugh and leave the room but that wasn't an option. After three days, Hawke was nearly at her wit's end and she was almost ready to just cut off the leg and be done with it in order to go outside. So she tested her leg and found that it could support her weight enough for her to use a cane. She went for an agonizingly slow walk through the Alienage where sweet elderly elven women made her stop every few minutes to sit and drink tea. Someone would fuss over her leg, telling her that she should have come straight away to them and not risked going into Darktown. She took all their home remedies with a grain of salt but she did appreciate Merrill helping her relace her compression boot. Hawke had met the elven mage only two weeks before when the poor thing had wandered into the brothel, assuming that was some sort of soup kitchen. Between her and the elders of the community, Hawke went home with a whole sack full of various herbal teas and elixirs. She came in the door to a blessed sight. No one. She was finally alone. 

She groaned happily as she stumbled to the fireplace and put on the kettle. She grimaced, trying not to curse as she sat on a cushion on the floor. It had been good to stretch a little but her leg was now painfully reminding her that it had recently been fractured. She rested her head against the stone and closed her eyes. She would drink tea and she would go have a nap. A glorious nap with no one to interrupt her. 

The water was only starting to steam before she started drifting off. She vaguely heard people arguing outside but that was easy enough to ignore. There were always people fighting somewhere in Lowtown. It was only when she heard a scream that she forced herself to her feet and shuffled her way to the door. She opened up the window to yell at whoever was making the noise, only to see a Templar dragging a teenage girl away. Hawke immediately grabbed the bow over her doorframe and notched an arrow from the holster she had nailed to the wall. She used her hip to slam the door open and hobbled outside, aiming her weapon at his head.

Hawke called out, "Hey asshole!"

The Templar looked up to face her and Hawke drew her arrow back.

"Let her go," Hawke warned, "or I'll let this go."

The Templar pulled out his sword and Hawke fired, striking him through his shoulder. He stumbled and she readied a second, aiming this time between his eyes. Hawke walked slowly out her door, keeping her bow taught. 

"Let's try this again," Hawke said coolly. "Let the girl go." 

He shoved the girl to the side and brought his shield up. Hawke didn't fire until he was nearly at her doorstep and he lowered it to strike at her. She took the opportunity to use her good leg to kick him in the chin. He stumbled back and she disarmed him, ripping the shield off his arm. He tried to strike again and she shot through his other shoulder. He tried to swing his blade but she used his shield against him, bashing him out cold. He crumpled to the ground. 

Hawke barely caught herself from falling herself. She gripped the doorframe with one hand, trying to not start cursing wildly. The girl went to her, babbling quickly about how grateful she was and asking what she could.

Hawke panted, "There's...there's a woman at the Hanged Man. Isabela. I know her from...work. Get her to come deal with...all this. Tell her...tell her I'll pay her back. Go. Go, please, now."

Hawke slumped to the ground, still holding her bow. She held onto it, keeping it aimed at the unconscious Templar. She bit the inside of her cheek hard, trying to distract from the pain. Hawke managed to stay somewhat present until Isabela showed up, the smuggler now quickly in business mode. Isabela helped Hawke back inside and promised her that the rest would be taken care of. Hawke squeezed her hand gratefully and promised her the lay of her life if she could get her a healer. Isabela grinned at that and even tucked Hawke into bed before running out the door. 

Leandra made it home first, dog in tow. She ran to Hawke's bedside, asking her what had happened and if she was alright. She held Hawke's hand, pleading her to keep her eyes open. Hawke tried to tell her she had just rebroken the leg and she wasn't dying. But then it was just sort of nice to be the object of so much affection that she just let her mother talk.

There was a knock at the door and Leandra went to answer it. Hawke closed her eyes for a moment, trying to focus. It was unlikely that it was a Templar or a guard. And if it was, she still had a bit of strength in her. She could fight them off.

Instead, the healer from Darktown entered the room. Hawke's heart skipped a beat and she found she was actually smiling. He seemed much less happy to see her. 

"You were supposed to stay in bed," he commented. 

"I was," she promised. "I was being very good about it."

He chuckled at that. "I'm sure. Until you kicked a Templar in the face. You're lucky he was only wearing a cowl or you would have broken your other leg too."

He rolled up her pant leg, undid her boot, and put his hands on her skin. She shivered. It should have hurt but his magic was already numbing her ache. It felt like ice this time and the relief made her almost dizzy. 

"I'm surprised Isabela managed to get you out of your clinic," she said. "I thought I'd be a low priority."

"Normally you would be," he admitted, "but your pirate friend is a frequent patron of mine. She doesn't follow the same safe sex procedures I ask professionals to use. She seems to be under the impression that her luck will never run out."

Hawke could feel the bone shift back into place and to her astonishment she could feel it start to knit back together. She looked at his worn face and she could have sworn she saw a flash of blue in his dark eyes. This was powerful magic and he was tapping into something deep. Whatever this was, it wasn't what he had done before for her. 

After a time, the magic faded and he sat back on his heels, catching his breath. Hawke felt her leg and realized the pain was almost entirely gone. She swung her legs off the bed and pressed her foot into the floor. It was tender but only as if she had sprained her ankle or pulled a muscle. She could walk on it. 

He smiled weakly. "It'll still take a little time but it should be mostly healed now. I'm sorry I wasn't able to do this before. I can't treat patients with such strong magic for smaller things, not in case of a more serious emergency. But Isabela insisted that if you couldn't get back to work she would die of a broken heart, so I thought, well, maybe this once. " 

Leandra returned to the room, announcing she had made them both something to eat. They came out to the main living space where strong black tea flavored with honey and equally dark rye with a thick layer of butter awaited them. The healer kindly refused, insisting that she let Hawke eat all of it to help regain her strength. 

Hawke shook her head. "You look like you're going to pass out. Eat."

He didn't need much convincing and sat down at the table with them. Leandra poured the tea and brought out some dried sliced apples. Then she sat down between them. Leandra talked for most of the meal, asking the healer a great deal of questions. Hawke was thankful, knowing only her mother would be persistent enough to get any answers out of him. His name was Anders (not a real name, her mother pointed out, but she accepted that a mage might use a nickname to protect their identity). He had been in Ferelden until just after the war and set up his clinic. He had come to stay with a friend, but it hadn't worked out. Leandra didn't push this any further, but instead they discussed Ferelden and how neither of them missed the winters. 

Anders didn't stay for long. Hawke walked him out, closing the door behind her to keep her mother hearing their conversation.

Hawke murmured, "Thank you for not telling her about what happened. She worries and I promised her to try to keep a low profile. She wouldn't be thrilled."

Anders said softly, "I understand. It's not easy to be a defender and have a family. I can't tell you much, but I know if not for you, that girl would be already in the Gallows. You did a great thing. In this city...there're not a lot of people who would risk their neck like that for a stranger."

"Must be all the painkillers Raul gave me," Hawke joked. "They'd make a hero out of anyone."

Anders chuckled. "Goodbye, Hawke. I hope to not see you again any time soon."

"No offense, but the feeling's mutual."


	2. Chapter 2

**cw: threat of non-negotiated unsafe sex, some dissociation after this event**

Isabela didn't take Hawke up on her promise for the lay of her life right away, saying she would keep it for a rainy day. But she did throw a minor orgy and had Hawke watch it from the sidelines with her, insisting Hawke should still rest her leg and only feed Isabela grapes. It was an oddly pleasant afternoon.

Weeks went by. Hawke was back at work full time now but on slightly modified duties. For one thing, she was moved to the main floor and not allowed anywhere near the bed that had broken her leg. It was soon proved to actually be made of dragon bone and was promptly sold for a decent profit. Its replacement was much less sturdy but had the benefit of being less hazardous. 

Hawke still mostly enjoyed the work. Isabela was becoming a more frequent client of hers and even if she had hired a different worker for a primary partner, she often threw in a little extra for Hawke to join in for a bit of pillow talk after. Isabela was kind, she tipped well, and she always had a little trinket from her travels as a present. Some workers warned her about this. There was always a client who thought a working relationship was more than it was. But it wasn't like that with Isabela. They were friends and Isabela respected that her time was worth money. It was not a conventional friendship, sure, but nothing was conventional in Hawke's life. 

The other change came in the form of the Templars. The Madam had warned them about this about a week before it happened. Knight Captain Rutherford had decided to loosen restrictions regarding the curfew of recruits given that they now had so many of them and there was far too much pent up energy in the younger ones. So for a while, it felt like it was all Templars all the time. It settled down after the first two weeks but the clientele had definitely shifted on certain nights of the week and few wanted to work those shifts. 

Hawke didn't really care for the change. It wasn't just her distrust of Templars but she had to admit that was part of it. It wasn't even that they didn't tip well though that did of course annoy her. It was the attitude. Most were in their early twenties or so. The younger ones, the barely eighteen year olds to twenty year olds, were oddly enough much more polite. Some of them were just becoming sexually active and were taking their education at the Blooming Rose very seriously. They would often be a little sheepish and thank them a little too much. It was endearing in its own way and Hawke had a soft spot for them. One woman in particular had a bit of a crush on Hawke and Hawke always took her time with her. The fully fledged Templars themselves were polite enough but they had always been clients. They were just a bit more discreet now that their subordinates were now losing their virginities in the room next door. 

It was the older recruits that were the problem, though it was weird to call people younger than her as "older". A few of the women could be rough but on the whole they weren't the problem. It was usually just the men. Boys, really, but not aware of themselves enough to know that. Twenty-two years old, having seen nothing of the world, suddenly in a position of authority for the first time and either thinking they were the world's expert on sex or that because they were paying for it, workers should do absolutely anything the recruits wanted to do to them. They often wanted to come in a group as well. It didn't save them any money. It just seemed to be a weird bonding ritual or something to hold over each other's heads. It made Hawke uncomfortable but not so much that she wasn't fine with being part of these group adventures. They were just usually the same. They'd take turns, egg each other on, talk about how well they were giving it to Hawke, talk about how much Hawke liked it, then they'd all be standing around and not sure what to do with the fact they had now seen their friends orgasm. More awkward than anything else. It wasn't awful, it was just not as fun as other clients. 

It did settle down after awhile, now that the initial novelty had worn off. There would always be a few that would come only once and run away after. A few regular clients that weren't much different than any civilian clients. But there were still some of these boorish recruits that made the job a real chore. 

It had been a particularly dark and rainy night. Hawke's leg was healed now but it still ached in weather like this. She didn't really feel like working but she was nearly at nine months now. She didn't have much longer in her contract and if she took a sick day, that meant only pushing her debt repayment off into the future. So she went to work and she told Lusine she was in a bad mood so she might as well give her all the duds who didn't care about anything other than getting their rocks off. 

It wasn't a busy shift. Hawke had been with a regular, a person in their sixties who wasn't much for small talk and treated the whole thing like a brief business interaction. They were always very formal and barely made a noise. Hawke didn't really care, just held on tight and made sure they were comfortable. But that was it and she had been in the bar for hours now. Some people drank and gambled but the Rose was almost empty. Hawke had considered going into the back room and having a nap but another worker had beaten her to it. 

Then a group of her least beloved Templar recruits came in. She could tell from the look of them what sort of party they were looking for and if she had been in a better mood, she might have asked one of the other girls if she wanted to split the fee and just get them out of there as soon as possible. But Hawke needed the money and she could lay back and think of Ferelden for a while so she agreed to take them on.

There were four of them and all looked so alike they could have been brothers. Hawke went on her knees like the first wanted her to and she was happy to do so. She could face the wall so no one need see how bored she was and she had figured out a way to balance her legs so the sore one was comfortable. She settled in for the session, not expecting anything out of the ordinary. 

The first was behind her now, his hand on the back of her neck. Not pushing hard but the pressure made her uneasy. She was about to tell him to move it to her breast when he asked, "How much to do it raw?"

Madame Luisine had a strict policy on sheaths. Some workers ignored it to get some extra coin but Hawke never did. It wasn't worth the risk to her health.

"I don't do it raw," she replied. 

The recruit rolled her onto her back and pinned her arms above her head. He kissed her neck and murmured in her ear, "Pretty please? I want to make it good for you. Let me give it to you like the Maker intended. You worried about getting knocked up? I'll pull out. We'll all pull out and finish on your stomach. I promise you, baby, I'll take good care of you."

"I don't do it raw," she said firmly. "House rules."

One of the guys behind him laughed. "They've already got our money. We paid for a good time, let's have a good time. What's she going to do about it?"

Hawke's blood ran cold and she tried to push the recruit off her. He grabbed her arms, digging his nails in. 

"Don't worry, baby," he assured. "I've got you."

He tried to press into her but Hawke twisted away. She rung the bell beside her bed three times loudly and a second later one of her colleagues broke through the door and pulled the recruit off her. Hawke couldn't remember the struggle that followed though she could remember someone was screaming at them. She only started to focus again when she heard a familiar voice speaking softly to her.

Serendipity said gently, "I'm right here, sweetheart. You're safe. Everything's fine. They're gone now. Are you okay, sweetheart? Can you talk to me?"

Hawke stammered, "They tried...they tried..."

"I know, sweetheart. I know. They're gone now. You did so well asking for help. I'm really proud of you. You did so well. No one has the right to do that to you."

"Where are they?" Hawke asked.

"Back at the Gallows. The Knight Captain himself came to bring them in. Madame Lusine threatened to ban the entire order from the Rose. She could afford to do it, you know. We have plenty of clients already. I don't know what he plans to do with them but he was very upset about the whole thing. He wanted to come and speak to you but I told him that was up to you and only when you were ready."

Hawke shivered and Serendipity took off her own robe and laid it upon her shoulders. It was far too small for her but the gesture meant more than the warmth.

"I'm such a fool," Hawke whispered. "She's going to fire me." 

"What makes you think that? Those rules are there for a reason. Of course, it's mostly practical from her standpoint if there are fewer diseases and babies but she does mean well. She wouldn't stand up to the Knight Captain if she were going to fire you. You don't worry about that."

"Has that happened before?" Hawke asked. "Have you ever..."

Serendipity smiled sadly. "Of course it has, sweetheart. That's why we work so hard here to prevent it when we can. It can be a dangerous business. But we take care of each other. Those men won't be able to get into a single reputable establishment anywhere in the city. And I can't tell you how I know the Knight Captain, but I can tell you I know him well enough to know that he won't take this lightly."

Hawke smiled at that. "Okay...okay." 

"May I hug you?"

Hawke nodded and Serendipity embraced her, rubbing her back.

"You'll be alright," she promised. "You go downstairs, you have a nice long warm bath. Go home, get some rest. It's not easy to get over this sort of thing for anyone but it's harder when you have to go right back to it for your living."

"It's hard to trust after...I'm definitely not doing a group like that for a long time. And I can't imagine...how do you go back to it?"

Serendipity considered this and then said, "I went to the person I trusted most to be intimate like that with. I took it very slow with them and they let me lead. I remembered how lovely sex can be and that I could be in control of it. It didn't fix things right away, but it did help. I found it very anchoring. I still go to them sometimes when something has made me feel uncomfortable. It is good to have a safe person like that. It can be a client too if you feel safe with one particularly but it's best when it's outside of work and just about pleasure."

Hawke bowed her head. "I think I need a bath before I think about any of that."

Serendipity smiled. "That we can handle, sweetheart. Is there anyone you'd like me to have come and bring you home?"

Who would Hawke ask that wouldn't make it worse? Leandra would never let her step back into the Rose if she knew. Bethany wouldn't be much better and she'd just tell Leandra. Gamlen - Maker, no. Aveline maybe but Aveline would go and try to get justice and just make it all more complicated. 

"No," Hawke replied. "I can make it home on my own."

Serendipity frowned. "I know you can, but you shouldn't. We'll get one of the other workers to walk with you. I think Lavish is ending her shift soon. She doesn't live far from you, it shouldn't be an issue. By the time you get out of the bath, I'll have it settled."

Hawke was too worn to argue. She followed Serendipity downstairs through the workers' corridor and down into the ready room. A few work friends were instantly telling her how wonderful she was and how they would be there for her. It was a little too much and she excused herself to the bath suite. Normally she would be fine with just dumping a bucket of warm water on herself before getting in the tub but she took her time scrubbing down before rinsing her body section by section. There were three tubs in the space but everyone had given her space and agreed to bathe after she was done.

She was far too anxious to relax in the hot water, even with the comforting murmurs of her colleagues in the other room. She felt so isolated but too overwhelmed to speak to another human being. She wrapped her arms around herself, still shivering. She had never felt this afraid before. Afraid wasn't the right word even. Powerless. Vulnerable. Like maybe she didn't have the agency she thought she had. It wasn't just sex or just a transaction. She was putting herself forward to be hurt and it was sheer dumb luck that she hadn't been yet. She saw what Leandra saw. She was fallen. She was laying herself out for consumption and she had no reason to be distraught that someone had taken a bite.

She tried to not start crying but she suddenly realized this was the only place she could do it. Not at home, not in the street, not even with her friends in the other room. She hadn't been alone like this in months. Maybe ever. Hawke didn't want to be alone but she didn't want anyone there. She just...

Hawke broke into sobs and covered her face in her hands. She heard the door open and she yelled at whoever it was to go away. Then she looked up to see Bethany standing before her. Hawke started crying again and Bethany went to her. She was still dressed in her fine work clothes but she knelt down on the wet tile floor. Wordlessly, Bethany started to wash Hawke's hair. Hawke still cried but her sobbing eased as her sister helped her wash. By the end of her bath, Hawke had settled down enough to dress into her most comfortable trousers and sweater. Bethany kept her arm around her sister's waist the entire walk back to Lowtown. They slept in the same bed that night, Bethany softly snoring in Hawke's ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have long ago claimed Serendipity as my own child and David Gaider no longer has any right to say anything about her from now on.


	3. Chapter 3

Two days later, Hawke went back to work. While Bethany's constant presence was a comfort, it also reminded Hawke why she was doing this job. She wanted to give her sister a better life. So she needed to go back. For Bethany and for herself. Hawke had never backed down from a challenge in her life. She wasn't going to start now.

Four times a year, the Rose closed down for a day for a deep clean. Everything was practically hosed down in order to create a safe and pleasant environment for all. Usually a worker or two were on site in case someone didn't get the message but otherwise it was dead quiet except for the cleaning staff gossiping as they scrubbed. 

Hawke had never been scheduled on one of these days before. Newer workers usually weren't. She knew this was meant to help ease her back into the workplace. She might help redecorate a room or restock supplies but likely would have nothing to do with a client. It should have made the space feel safer to her but it made it just feel so foreign, like she was starting all over again.

Still, it wasn't a hard day. It was cold and miserable, with a slurry of wet sleet streaking down the windows. Hawke drank tea and hung out in the bar, watching the door. Hawke would have preferred helping the cleaners and the laundresses, but she was there mostly for them. They hated when clients just showed up, assumed that they were sex workers, and harassed them. Hawke was there to soothe them and act as hostess. She wasn't even supposed to let anyone in but Lusine had told her that was at her own discretion. 

After six hours, she hadn't expected anyone to come to the door but just as the storm took a turn for the worse, there was a knock at the door. Hawke went to the peephole and saw Anders on the other side.

She opened it, laughing in amusement. "What are you doing here? If you decided to come get laid on your rare day off, you've got some real poor luck."

Anders actually blushed a little. "No, I'm not here for that. It's part of my stipend. On the off day, I come for a bath and a massage. An actual one, not the one you're normally paid to do. I didn't realize you'd be on shift. I thought it'd be Serendipity. I can come back another time."

"In another three months?" 

Anders rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Look, it's just a massage. I'm a professional. I'm not going to be triggered by rubbing your shoulders a little."

Anders frowned. "Triggered? Did something happen?"

Now Hawke felt sheepish. "No, nothing happened. I thought maybe someone told you and you were just checking up on me or...no, nothing happened. Come on inside before you drown to death." 

"Really, I don't have to-"

"Anders, get inside."

He agreed reluctantly. She took his soaked through cloak and hung it up. She took his hand and led him into the master suite. He hesitated, claiming he normally just bathed in the back with the workers. 

"They're cleaning our ready rooms right now," she explained. "So unless you want to do the massage first, you get to use the big tub."

Anders grumbled something about Serendipity but Hawke ignored him. She loved the master suite. It was reserved for large parties or when someone with a bit more money decided to start flashing it around. It had the largest bed Hawke had ever seen with the softest down. Gorgeous red velvet curtains, a big fireplace, with the softest rug before it. In the corner by the window there was a clawfoot bathtub big enough for three. There was even running water, something that no other brothel in the Free Marches had. It wasn't actually that hard to set up as much of Hightown had running water. Just no one had ever thought it was worth installing. Hawke thought it was worth it. It was much sexier than a whole bunch of people hauling buckets of kettle water up the stairs. Now she just had to heat the treated stones beneath it and turn on the tap. 

As she attempted to start the fire, she called over her shoulder that there were fresh robes in the armoire if he wanted her to throw his clothes in with the laundry. Once the spark had taken, she rose to see Anders still in his rain sodden gear. He stood with his head bowed, a clear deep blush across his cheeks.

"We are both professionals here," she reminded. "I think if I see you without your kit, we can still respect each other in the morning."

Anders said quietly, "There's this lavender soap that Serendipity uses if there's some left in storage. If not, it's okay."

Hawke took that as a signal for her to leave. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

Hawke went back downstairs and collected soap, shampoo, a pumice stone, lotions, and a few extra fluffy towels. She knocked at the door on her return and Anders opened it, now dressed in a thin linen robe. He looked even taller now, his body so lean. She could tell he had not always been so slender. He wasn't eating enough. She understood. Every copper had to go towards his work. It was a shame though. He would probably be quite handsome if he were a bit filled out. Though honestly, he was still pretty handsome as was. 

"Why don't you get in the tub and I'll wash your hair?" She offered.

Anders cleared his throat. "No, I'll be fine."

Hawke smiled. "Okay. I'll just be downstairs in the bar. Do you want me to come up in an hour and help you dry off?"

"Okay."

Hawke went and continued her inventory of the liqueurs. She glanced occasionally at the clock - well, more than occasionally. She wasn't sure why she was so anxious about leaving Anders alone in the room. What was he going to do? Rob them? She just felt like she wasn't doing her job. Where was Serendipity? She was the one who made anxious people calm as sleeping kittens. Anders clearly didn't want Hawke around. She wasn't going to help him relax. She was probably making things worse. She didn't know why. It'd had been months since they had seen each other and Hawke hadn't been a total ogre. Was it because he had seen her house and knew how dirt poor she was? If so, he was a total dick because she had seen his clinic. Maybe he was just a guy who liked routine. Maybe he only liked elves. 

At exactly an hour, she went back upstairs. Anders had unplugged the bath and the water had long been drained. He was lying on top of the blankets, curled up and fast asleep in his thin robe. Hawke smiled and went to leave but he stirred at hearing her. 

"Sorry," he apologized. 

"It's fine," she said. "Are you ready for your massage?"

That seemed to frighten him as he suddenly stiffened and stood up, making excuses for why he needed to leave. Hawke stopped him, putting her hand on his chest.

"It's freezing cold outside," she reminded. "If you're going to run away, you should probably put some clothes on."

"I'm not running away," he said haughtily. "I have work I have to go do. I don't have time for this. I shouldn't have come."

"Is it me?" She asked, eyebrow raised. 

"No, no of course not. Thank you for everything. I should-"

Hawke crossed her arms over her chest. "It is me. Come on, tell me. Alluring men is part of my profession. Tell me what I'm doing wrong".

"Nothing. It's not you it's...fine, I'll have a massage."

"Great. So what would Serendipity normally do?"

Anders explained, "I lie on my front. She doesn't touch anything below my waist unless I tell her to. No reach arounds. Nothing like that. Just a massage."

Hawke smiled. "Great. So go lie on your front then."

Anders did so begrudgingly while she looked away. Anders called her over once he had a blanket over his hips. Hawke grabbed the oil and towel and went over. She normally would have just sat at his side and folded her legs underneath her but her leg was still bugging her. 

As if reading her thoughts, Anders said, "You could straddle my hips and hang your leg over the side of the bed if you need to. My healed over breaks usually flare up when it's damp like this. Sometimes Serendipity does that when my shoulders are too tight."

"I'm a lot heavier than she is," Hawke warned.

Anders chuckled into the sheets. "I can handle it."

Hawke did as he suggested. She wouldn't get quite the momentum she would have wanted but it was more comfortable. Anders tensed when her hands touched his bare skin but he eased when they returned slick with oil. She started with his shoulders, broad but slightly stooped. His neck was tight with knots but they softened under her touch and he even sighed happily when her fingers went to the base of his skull. She only stroked from there to his ears but he seemed to enjoy it. She did his upper arms, lean but solid. She traced the tattoo of a Griffon on his left bicep and she could almost feel him smiling.

Hawke returned to his back. She had felt some scarring on his shoulders before but the lower she got the thicker and splintered they were. He gripped the bed at the first brush of her hand and she pulled back. 

Hawke said softly, "My father was an apostate." 

Anders eased. "So you know."

Hawke agreed, "I know."

Hawke worked through his lower back until she got to the edge of the robe. She hesitated until Anders asked quietly, "Would you do my legs?"

Hawke asked, "How high up can I go?"

Anders swallowed. "As much as you want to."

Anders untied the robe and lifted his hips up to toss it aside. As Anders settled again, Hawke could see that he was getting hard. She thought about offering a reach around but he had been so against it before she didn't want to make him uncomfortable. So instead she massaged the small of his back and into his hips. She skipped his ass and went to his upper thigh. It was a shame. Considering how skinny he was, it was a surprisingly nice ass. 

Hawke did the rest of the massage mostly in silence. She checked in once in awhile but she mostly listened to his sighs, finding herself hoping for a moan. Mostly for professional pride. This was something she knew she was good at it. She liked getting recognition of that. But soon she was done the back and normally she would offer to do the other side of his body but she had a strong suspicion that his erection hadn't gone away. So instead she rose to her feet, embarrassed to feel that she had gotten a little wet just from giving what was supposed to be a very professional body rub. 

Anders shifted, bringing the sheet around his waist. He looked up at her with a look that Hawke only saw on clients about to pound her into the mattress. But he didn't move and he looked as if he was struggling to figure out what to say. 

Finally he asked, "When do they need the room back? If I wanted to rest for awhile?"

"Maybe two hours," Hawke guessed. "I can ask them to do this room last and there's not much that needs to be done in here. If you wanted to have a nap, I could wake you when they were ready."

Anders smiled. "I appreciate that."

Hawke offered, "I know you're not interested in sex but I could still be here for company if you wanted to touch yourself. I know sometimes it's nice just to have someone holding you. I don't mind, really."

Anders shook his head. "No, but thank you. I think I'll just have a nap."

Hawke was half tempted to throw her arms up in the air in frustration but she remained the picture of professionalism. "No problem. You have a nice rest."

Hawke let him be and went back to work doing inventory. She kept looking longingly at the door, hoping a client would come in. She was keyed up and ready to go. It would be a shame to have to take all that energy home instead of using it in the workplace. She didn't have enough privacy in her hovel to jerk off so she was going to have a long restless night because of the sexy celibate mage. That had to be it. He had taken some vow of chastity. She knew about men like this. Her sister kept going on and on about some Samuel or Sebastian or Sherbert or someone who was pledged to Andraste. That was fine for Bethany but not Hawke. She had sex for a living at a frequency where she rarely craved it, just enjoyed it as it came. Right then though she would have blown the next person who walked into the room if they winked at her.

Hawke finished cleaning up the bar and went upstairs. She sorted the other rooms, placing toys and furniture in different places, moving lights around to make new moods. She even rehung paintings that had shifted since being put on the wall. Anything to distract herself. 

After a time, only the master suite was left. Hawke went to wake Anders up, a pair of impatient cleaners following behind her. She opened the door to find the healer fast asleep. She sat by his side and touched his shoulder gently. 

"Anders, time to wake up," she said.

Anders blinked awake and he looked at her almost in amusement. "Am I still dreaming?"

She shook her head, smiling. "No. You almost ready to go home?"

Anders rose from the bed, now only in his undershirt and small clothes. She handed him his now dry cloak and he held it to his chest.

"When are you finished your shift?" 

"Soon," Hawke replied. "About half an hour, but I can ask the housekeepers if they wouldn't mind locking up after me."

"Can I walk you home?" Anders asked. 

Hawke agreed, "Okay. Just let me get dressed." 

Hawke made sure it was alright for her to leave and upon receiving a nod and a sly smile from the head laundress, Hawke bundled up and met Anders at the door. 

The sleet had tapered off and the clouds had slightly parted, casting faint moonlight over the cobblestones. It was warm enough that the slurry had melted and was now draining into the sewers. Hawke was grateful. She had been concerned that she was going to slip on the ice and break her neck. Though she supposed now if she slipped, Anders might catch her. And she oddly didn't mind the thought of that. Though if he was such a slip of a thing she might just knock him to the ground and break his neck instead. Or maybe not. She had felt the muscle on him. He was probably a lot stronger than she thought.

Anders cleared his throat. "How much longer is your contract at the Rose?" 

"About fifteen weeks I think. I might stay on longer if nothing else comes up. Most people don't really want to hire Fereldan refugees and I'm not cut out for mercenary work. I'm a fair shot and I'm skilled enough with a dagger, but I was trained as a hunter. I was only a soldier because it was the end of the world. Hopefully it's not the end of the world anytime soon."

Anders agreed, "Hopefully so. I served in Amaranthine in the months after the Blight. I don't fancy going through that again."

"Amaranthine?" Hawke asked. "I didn't think the Blight reached that far North."

"The Grey Wardens rebuilt their Order there," Anders explained. "I was one of the first recruits after the Civil War. I wasn't there long though. I was conscripted so I couldn't be arrested and sent back to the Circle. I wasn't much good at being a Warden, but it was kind for the Warden Commander to put her neck out for me." 

"You couldn't have been here for more than a couple of weeks before we met then. When I saw you, it looked like you had been part of that clinic forever."

Anders replied, "Darktown changes quickly. It doesn't wait for its needs to be met. Quite a few Ferelden women are involved in your trade. Word spread. I was here maybe two months before the Madam reached out to me through one of the workers. I think it would have been maybe five weeks after that when we met. I guess not a long time then. Maker, it feels like much more sometimes and then other times it feels like I'm going to open my eyes and be at Vigil's Keep or the Tower and everything else will have been some fever dream."

"I get that," Hawke said quietly. "Day to day, it feels like this is always how it has been. But then I remember that it's less than a year since we fled from Ostagar. My brother and me. Carver. He was a swordsman, offensive line. He had started training to fight when he was only seventeen. He was made to be a soldier. I joined to watch over him. But I suppose...I suppose I didn't do a very good job of it. He and I made it home, to get our mother and sister, but he never made it to Gwaren. He died protecting us but it shouldn't have been that way. He was my baby brother. I promised my father I would take care of the twins and I didn't...it's like sometimes I wake up and it feels like it was all another life and there's sometimes I wake up just...trying not to lose it because I was supposed to keep my family safe and I couldn't."

"I'm sorry, Hawke. But from what I hear, you have done little but put your family before yourself since you arrived. Not every woman would agreed to be indentured as a sex worker, especially when there are other choices."

"Not much of a choice," Hawke argued, "but it was better this way. No one had to get hurt and my sister didn't have to be involved. I know my mother hates it but frankly she would have hated whatever I did. We came here because her family used to be rich and powerful. Living in Lowtown has been a bit of a shock for her. Bethany - my sister, she's a lady in waiting now. My mother has all these high hopes that Bethany will marry well and bring us all out of poverty and one day we will have enough to buy back the old house and be rich again."

"And what do you and your sister want?"

Hawke laughed. "My sister? Basically that. She grew up on stories of Mother's fantastic life before my father. She always thought of us as princesses in disguise. She wants to find her true love and get married and have children."

"And you?"

Hawke admitted, "I don't know. Right now, all I care about is getting out of debt. I don't like owing anything to anyone. I don't ever want anyone to have that power over me. But my family comes first. So...I don't know. I'll keep working at the Rose maybe. It's good money. It's not bad work. It's not an easy business for a lot of people, but they take good care of us at the Rose. Serendipity helps a lot. That woman is a saint, always advocating for the rest of us."

Anders chuckled. "She is lovely. Wicked when she wants to be, but lovely."

They reached Lowtown and Hawke shifted closer to Anders. It was better sticking together before some pickpocket swooped in between them. She just wasn't sure if she was protecting him or he was protecting her now. Why exactly was he walking her home?

Someone shoved past and she was pushed into Anders. He put out his hands to steady her, his bare fingers against her thin jacket. She shivered, surprised by how cold she was. 

"Do you want to swing into the Hanged Man and warm up?" She suggested. "Isabela's been trying to set me up with this merchant friend of hers for weeks. He might buy us a pint and let us sit in front of the fireplace for awhile."

Anders politely declined. "I don't really drink anymore and I've taken too much time off today anyways. I could drop you off at the tavern if you'd like. We're just around the corner now. It's not hard for me to get to the clinic from there." 

Hawke's gut instinct was to blurt out a no but she stopped herself. Was she really about to give up free alcohol in order to freeze in the cold with him?

"I think maybe I should just go home," Hawke said. "Another time? When you're not too busy saving the world? At least let me offer you some tea at my place before you freeze to death."

Anders smiled and Hawke felt her heart flutter in her chest. Maker, she wanted his company as much as he seemed to want hers. What was wrong with her that fifteen more minutes with the scrawny mage was a better prospect than a night out with friends and prospective business partners?

They got home and to Hawke's sincere surprise, no one was home. There were two notes on the table. One from Leandra, saying that she and Bethany had been invited out to sup with one minor noble family or another. The other was from Gamlen, saying that he had taken the dog, Huan, with him to a pub as backup as he argued his way out of another debt. Hawke sighed at both and threw them into the fireplace. She went to restart the flames but Anders beat her to it, using just his fingers to reheat the logs. He broke a few branches and threw them on top.

Then they were standing alone together in her little hovel. Hawke quickly put the kettle on and started nervously blathering on, asking him what he would like to drink and if she could throw some bread on a pan for him. In all this, Anders stood, looking more and more determined. 

Anders said firmly, "It's not you."

"Sorry?"

Anders explained, "I do like you. Quite a lot. I just can't. Not even just sex. Especially not just sex. Paid or not. I just wanted you to know. You are incredible and beautiful and anyone would be lucky for you to even pass your glance their way. I just wanted you to know that. And I wanted to thank you. I was having a difficult week and today has made things a lot lighter. You have been very kind to me."

Hawke crossed the space between them and laid her hand on his chest. "I like you too. I like you a lot, actually."

Anders pressed his hand against hers and Hawke tilted her face up to his. Anders quickly pulled away, letting go of her hand. 

Anders said softly, "There are things you don't know and they might change how you think of me. I can't tell you everything but there is something you should be aware of. I am...it's complicated. I came here to Kirkwall because of a man I used to know years ago. A friend, but once we were together. He was the first person I ever loved. He's in the Circle now. We manage to get letters to each other once in awhile but I know there's...I hope one day I can rescue him, but I know that's not likely. I'm not romantically involved with him, but I do have feelings for him. If there was a chance of a future with him, I might consider taking it. I just thought you should know. I'm not a man without any attachments."

Hawke shrugged. "I have sex with other people for a living. I can handle you still having feelings for your first love if you can handle that I won't be sexually exclusive to you." 

Anders smiled sadly. "Your profession isn't an issue for me. You should probably find another healer if we were together but otherwise it's not something I care much about. I just mean that...there are many reasons that there is no real future with me. I don't want to be unfair to you. It's not a good idea, Hawke."

"But pining from afar is?" She pointed out. "I'm not a jealous person, Anders. If you're comfortable with having feelings for two different people, then I'm comfortable with it too. So if it's that, I don't care. If there's something else and you're trying to spare my feeling, don't bother. You're not the only person in the world and we barely know each other. We're not exactly soul mates. It's fine. I'm a big girl. I can take you just telling me you don't want to be with me."

Anders' face fell. "Is that what you really want to hear?"

"I don't like mysterious men," Hawke replied. "I know some people do, but I'm not one of them. I want to know the truth. So tell me the truth."

Anders' expression grew so tired and weary that Hawke wanted to take back everything she just said and hold him close. She liked him, she wanted him to be happy. If that wasn't with her, fine, who cared? But she had clearly hurt him and whatever he was about to say was going to make it worse. 

Anders said quietly, "The truth is that I have thought of you almost every day since I met you. No matter what I do, my thoughts keep turning to you. I don't want them to, but I can't stop them. You're right, we barely know each other, but I still know in my heart that if that ever changes, if I spend more time in your company, that I will fall hopelessly and desperately in love with you. Everything I am trying to accomplish...I can't have someone I put above my responsibilities. I can't have any distractions. It is you, Hawke, but for all the best possible reasons. I will get over you, but I will need space to do it. If you have any feelings for me, then please respect that."

Hawke wanted to argue, but the knot in her throat grew too tight to say anything but, "Okay." 

Anders' lip quivered and for a hopeful second she thought he might change his mind. But he turned and walked out the door, not ever turning to look back. Hawke held her hand against her chest, willing her heart to stop thudding so loudly. He was just a man. The world was full of men. And other people that she could very happily spend a lifetime with. He was just one man and she had met him what three times now? She could have easily spent the rest of her days never seeing him again and not be bothered by it. She refused to start pining after a near stranger who had rejected her so soundly. 

And yet lying in bed that night she couldn't stop thinking about his shoulders. Her hands against his skin, her fingers tracing the thick braided ropes of scars. She couldn't stop wondering what it would have felt like to slide her hand underneath him. To explore the shape of his chest, to know the other marks life had left behind. To slide her hand between his legs. To hear what he sounded like when he moaned. He didn't look like a screamer. He looked like a whimperer, someone so overwhelmed by their own pleasure that they seem always on the verge of crying. She loved whimperers. She loved that vulnerability, that closeness. If she had wrapped her hand around him, if she had touched him and heard him moan, she might have fallen madly in love with him. She would have kissed him until neither of them could breathe and swear that he was it, he was all she wanted for the rest of her life.

Maker. She was pining for him now and she hadn't cared if she ever saw him again before that night. He was just a helpful stranger and now he was this sad wounded puppy and she just wanted to make him happy. She hated herself for being that weak. He had played her and left her hanging. Now she got to feel awful while he got to feel like a self-satisfied martyr. No, she wasn't going to play that game. She would let herself be a mopey pining mess one night and tomorrow she'd be a professional again. She'd have fun with her job and forget all about Anders. She hadn't needed him before, she didn't need him now.


	4. Chapter 4

**cw: non-explicit dub-con, blackmailish sex**

Three weeks later, Bethany announced at breakfast that she was formally being courted. Hawke was barely awake, her face nearly slumped into her porridge. This was technically her dinner after working a nobleman's stag for about ten hours straight. She was sore in places she didn't know could get sore. Bethany could have told her that she was planning an expedition to the moon and Hawke would have given the same sleepy and uninterested nod.

Leandra on the other hand practically leapt out of her chair in excitement. She immediately asked for details and Bethany blushed as she shared her story. There was a man, not particularly young but not so old, that had taken a liking to her during his visits to his cousin. Martin was a hair over thirty, the youngest son of six but of a well respected family. He had spoken to Bethany only a handful of times before asking her if she would consider dining with him. She had accepted and by the end of the meal, he had asked her if she would consider entering a courtship. 

Hawke started paying attention by then, mostly doing logistics in her head. If the man wanted a dowry, Hawke was in real trouble. If he was hoping the Amell name (and Bethany had been using the Amell name) would bring him fortune, he was dead wrong. But if he sincerely liked Bethany, it might be a ticket out for them. Or at least Bethany. Hawke didn't need to ride her coat tails, but one less mouth to feed would help. And maybe she could even send Leandra along with her if Bethany had kids right away. But this is all pivoted on whether or not the poor guy knew what he was really getting into. They had been passing Bethany off as a much more well to do woman in order for her to keep her job. Everything could be for nothing if the guy found out what she really was and blabbed to the wrong person.

Hawke interrupted Leandra's praising of Bethany's grace and beauty. "How much does he know about your situation, Beth?"

Bethany looked confused. "My situation?"

"Does he know you're dirt poor and living in Lowtown? Does he know that the Amell name doesn't mean anything? Is he going to run for the hills when he finds out he's not getting any money from us?"

Bethany's face fell. "I knew you would be like this. Martin knows our family has fallen on hard times. He wouldn't want anything more than 100 gold and he knows that our Estate would have to be purchased from the Viscount if he wanted to own it. He wants to help. He really likes me, sister. Really. He says he's been looking for a wife to be his partner and he wants to start having children right away. And I care about him deeply. He is a good man."

"Does he know you're a mage?" Hawke asked.

Bethany looked away. "No."

Hawke sighed. "You have to tell him. You can hide it, but if you have kids, you've got a decent chance at one of them having some magic in them."

"He won't be upset. He's very liberal about these things."

"There's a difference between being liberal in theory and being liberal in practice," Hawke insisted. "You know that. If he has a kid with magic, is he going to send them to the Circle? Or is he going to fight for them? Will he advocate for reform or will he hide behind the Chantry's skirts? Will he fight for you when you need him to? Or will he throw you to the wolves to save himself?"

Leandra said coolly, "Dear, you're upsetting your sister. This is a happy time. Don't spoil it. Bethany and I will figure these things out. You just focus on getting your sister that 100 gold for her dowry. It's a mere pittance, a formality to his family. We have gotten very, very lucky."

Hawke's heart sank in her chest. The money. Her mother was right. For a nobleman's dowry, it was nothing. But it was more than three times than what the Madam had given to allow for their entry. If Hawke worked at the Rose for another two years - no, with Bethany's funds gone more like three and a half, then she might be able to pay Lusine back. But only if she agreed to the loan. Hawke could find the money some other way, some other lender, but she saw what happened to people who couldn't pay back on time to loan sharks. She wasn't going to risk that for herself or for Leandra and Gamlen. It would have to be the Rose. Maybe three years if she continued working at the pace she did, if she remained as popular as she was. 

Really, it wasn't that bad a job. She could do another three years. For Bethany, she could do anything. But in that moment she felt so low she wanted to break something. It was all for a gamble. Martin would have power over their family in a way that the other two women didn't seem to understand. He would own Bethany's fate and that of their children. One move and he could give her to the Templars. If he loved her, if he truly loved her, that was one thing but even love had its limits. 

Hawke didn't realize she was crying until Bethany hugged her and kissed her face.

Bethany promised, "I'll help, sister. Every copper. He does care for me. I think it will be all right. I really do." 

Hawke held her tightly, burying her face in her shoulder. "Of course it will. I'm sorry. I'm happy for you, Beth. I really am."

The rest of the breakfast was spent on discussing Martin. Hawke went to bed as soon as she had finished eating, bringing the blankets tight around her. 

Three years. She had nearly survived one year. She could do three. She liked what she did and it was a good environment for her. She just hated the weight of the debt and the thought of it growing heavier was suffocating. She had done so much to keep them safe, to keep Bethany away from the eyes of the Templars, and now she was about to give that power of protection over to someone else. 

Hawke didn't sleep well and showed up that night to her shift as exhausted as when she had left the last. She drank dark tea in the ready room and joked with the others who had survived the stag the night before. Eventually she felt a little more at ease and her head was back at work. She would endure this shift and then she would talk to the Madam about a further loan. Then everything would look a little brighter. It always did.

It was another long night but the work was less draining. She even had a session with Isabela, oh lovely Isabela, who spent most of the time just cuddling and talking about their days. The sex itself was also pretty fun and relaxed. If Isabela was the sort of girl who dated, Hawke would have been asking her out the minute her contract was over. Though maybe things would change in three years. Maybe even the pirate queen would be ready to settle down by then.

It was fairly late in the night when she saw a young woman come in looking scared out of her mind. Hawke went over with a saucy smile, planning to make her first time there a pleasurable one, but as she grew closer she recognized the girl. It was the mage that Hawke had rebroken her leg for. 

The girl looked like was about to run for Hawke but forced herself to walk slowly to the bar. Hawke went to her and asked if she wanted to book a room with her. The girl nodded and Hawke grabbed a key. 

Once they were alone, the girl explained rapidly that she was working for the Underground but she had been separated from her team during a raid and she had no idea how to get out of the city.

"I didn't know where to go," she pleaded. "I only know one person who could help but I couldn't lead them to him. But you helped me. You saved me. Please. I don't want to go back. I can't go back."

Hawke considered this and then said, "I think I know who you mean. You'll stay here with me at the Rose until my shift is done. We'll dress you like one of our girls and then I'll bring you to him. If anyone asks, you're a new worker and you're shadowing me. Come on, we'll go to the launders and we'll get you set."

The girl agreed, thanking her profusely. Hawke brought her down through the back stairway and explained to Ursula, the new head laundress, that the girl was a friend of Bethany's and trying to get away from a bad boyfriend. Ursula needed no convincing and promised to keep an eye on her until Hawke was done her shift.

Hawke returned to the bar to return the key. As she entered the room, she could feel the shift in the atmosphere. There were a pair of Templars, not unusual, but they were clearly not there for pleasure. They weren't so much chatting up workers but interrogating them. Hawke's heart leapt to her throat. They were looking for the girl. Hawke knew not to run and hide. She had played this game a dozen times. The best was to act like you had nothing to hide. 

"Gentlemen," she greeted. "Is there a problem with your service tonight?"

The elder of the pair said, "We're looking for someone. Maybe you've seen her. Sixteen years old. Light tanned skin. Hazel eyes. Black hair. She was last seen dressed in black robes."

Hawke shook her head, frowning. "Sorry, I haven't seen her. She sounds rather young for being in a brothel. There's a tavern down the street, she might have snuck into there."

"We already have some men checking out that establishment. We do have a witness who claims he saw her come through the front door less than fifteen minutes ago."

Hawke apologized, "It seems like he might be mistaken. A shame. Is there anything I can do to help your investigation?"

Hawke noticed the younger man and her blood ran cold. She knew him. He was in the party that tried to force her into sex without a sheath. Did he recognize her?

The younger Templar said, "The other women have been unhelpful in letting us examine the premise. Would you be willing to escort us through the service rooms?"

Hawke smiled. "Not a problem. Let me just get the keys. We'll not be able to interrupt any sessions in progress, but there hasn't been any that have started in the last fifteen minutes. I just checked the registrar a few moments ago myself. We like to make sure people are properly compensated for their time."

"Of course," the elder said. "We would like to examine those ourselves, of course."

"Of course."

Hawke got the master keys and saw which rooms were free. She led the Templars through each unoccupied room and let them tear it apart looking for the girl. She kept her room for last, praying the mage hadn't left something behind. 

When they entered the room, Hawke was relieved to see that everything was as it should be. The Templars still ripped it to shreds but she felt more relaxed. Ursula would have gotten word by now and made sure the girl was hidden. And the Templars didn't even seem to realize that there was a ready room at all. She just had to get them out of the suites. And maybe she would send someone to get Anders to come here instead. It wasn't strange for him to be at the Rose. He would figure out a way to get the poor kid out safely.

"I remember you."

Hawke snapped to attention, seeing the younger Templar approaching her. "I remember you. I had to do a week's worth of potato peeling because of you. I didn't even do anything. You had Lieutenant Rickard tossed out of the order just because you wouldn't play nice. I thought you looked familiar."

Hawke had no idea what to say. She looked at the elder Templar, hoping for some respite, but he seemed to have little opinion on the matter.

The younger smiled. "You go ahead, Lieutenant Commander. I think I have a few more questions for this one. You should check their ready rooms, Ser. They've got a security system with bell lines. Someone might have hidden the girl in their skirts."

The elder chuckled. "Don't take too long with your _questions_ , Corporal. You are on duty, after all."

Hawke knew she couldn't ring for help. She would be putting the girl at risk. The Corporal might want to rough her up a bit but that would be it. She could play along. She just needed to make sure they left. 

Hawke managed a coy smile. "I'm surprised you remembered. I suppose I should take that as a compliment."

He pushed her up against the wall. "You don't know how much I hated KP. I kept getting hard, thinking about how close I had been to being inside of you. If Rickard had kept his head on straight, I would have been the last to have you. You would have been so warm and slick for me. You would be so worn out but I would have made you scream. The others would be so ashamed, knowing they could never satisfy you but that I could. It was so unfair that I got punished without even getting a taste of the pleasure. I think you owe me a little pleasure, girl." 

Hawke closed her eyes. "Alright."

The best thing that Hawke could say about the experience was that it was fast. It would be less than five minutes before she was lying on her bed, her knees curled to her chest. He hadn't even taken his gloves off. He just forced her on her knees and stuck his cock in her mouth. His armour cut into her, not badly, but enough to mark her. Then he came inside of her with a grunt, thanked her for her assistance, and left. 

Hawke dressed and went down to the laundress. Ursula retrieved the girl, now dressed in a pale pink corset and garters under a transparent white dress. 

Hawke asked, "Ursula, could I ask another favour of you? Send a runner to fetch that healer in Darktown. I was going to see him myself but I think that's not going to work out tonight. Please."

Ursula smirked. "For anyone else, he'd tell them to piss off, but he'd come running the minute he heard you had the sniffles. I'll get Georgia to go. Is Dela safe to wander the floor with you or should I keep her down here?"

Hawke glanced briefly at the girl. "You should stay in the ready room, Dela. Your ex is gone but his pals are still around the street. It'll be safer in the daylight. You okay if I leave you there for awhile?"

She nodded and Hawke took her hand. She led her up one flight of stairs to the workers' area. Hawke set her up with a colleague, lying further about the ex, and asking him to look out for Dela while she readied for her next client.

Hawke washed her face and gargled salt water but she could still feel the stings against her skin. Small cuts, barely anything, but they stung deep. It should have been fine. She had been through much worse, but it had all been negotiated before. This was the first time she had felt truly used. 

Hawke redid her makeup and tidied her hair. She looked put together enough. She could probably fit in another session before Anders showed up. Honestly, she didn't even have to be there when he showed up. Dela could explain herself to him and he'd get her out. Neither of them needed Hawke any further. She did her part. And honestly, it wasn't that bad. If that was the retribution she faced for ending that one session, she could handle it. It was fine.

Hawke went out to the bar again and waited. She drank whiskey neat and flirted but no one asked her for anything more. In one way she was grateful but she kept thinking about those hundred gold coins. She had to keep smiling. She had to keep working. She didn't care if she was past her shift. She had to keep going.

After a time, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up and saw Anders. Everything hit her at once and to her embarassment she started crying. Anders put his arm around her, shielding her from view as he brought her away from clients and into the room where the Templar had taken what he thought he was owed. 

Hawke slumped against the wall and slowly sank to the floor. Anders knelt in front of her. He wiped a tear away with his thumb, smearing her makeup underneath it. He saw one of the thin red lines the Templar had left behind. Anders' softness faded and there was suddenly a touch of blue in his brown eyes. 

"I'm fine," she promised. "I'm just exhausted and I'm a little sore, but I'm fine. He didn't force himself on me. I got him to leave. That's all that matters."

"It's not all that matters," Anders said through gritted teeth. "It's not. And it's never going to happen again. No one is ever going to hurt you like this again. I swear."

Hawke wiped her eyes. "They can't see me like this. Just get the girl out. I'll calm down and I'll go home. Then it's over. It's fine."

"How much is left? Twelve weeks? I'll pay it off myself. I'll find a way to-"

"Anders," Hawke murmured, smiling sadly, "you can barely rub two coppers together. It's fine. There are occupational hazards to what I do. Ninety percent of the time, I love what I do. And normally there would be things to safeguard against this. I had those the last time this happened. But I had to forgo them to protect Dela. I chose this. No one else. I'm fine. I just can't go and ask the Madam to extend my contract if I'm sobbing. Doesn't make a good impression."

Anders frowned. "Why? What happened? Why are you extending?"

Hawke told him about Bethany and her potential marriage. As she spoke, she heard the weariness in her own voice. She was exhausted and hurt but it ran much deeper than that. Having a fixed end date was one thing but for at least three more years? She might spend half a decade in this place. She'd be well over thirty before she'd get to live a life of her own. It wasn't fair. And she hadn't seen how unfair it was until that moment. Sure, most of the time she liked her job, but what if every day was like this? What if every day was some asshole thinking he had power over her? Worse, that he actually did have power over her? All she wanted was her own freedom and she was digging a deeper and deeper hole to climb out of.

She wasn't sure when it had happened, but Hawke found herself in Anders' arms. He held her with his entire body, his chin on her shoulder, his arms protectively around her back. Hawke had felt herself moving closer and closer to him until she was entangled in him. He was warm and he was safe and she wanted to cling to him and not let go. 

"What can I do?" Anders asked.

Hawke admitted, "I don't want to go home and I don't want to stay here. I just want...I want to be somewhere that I don't have to be anyone to anyone else by myself." 

Anders said softly, "Then come home with me."


	5. Chapter 5

When Hawke was steady enough, Anders brought both her and Dela back to the clinic. Anders sent a child off with a message but Hawke tried not to listen. Once they were inside, Anders instructed Hawke to go to his room and to stay there until the agent had come and taken Dela. 

"It's not much and honestly quite awful," he warned, "but it's safer for both you and the agent if neither of you knows the other's face."

Hawke agreed and went into the back of the clinic. She lit a stub of a candle and found her way to Anders' meager bed. There was hardly anything else except for a desk and a stack of books beside it. She rested the candle on the desk and sat on the bed, bringing her knees to her chest. She pulled her coat tight around her and closed her eyes. Anders had disparaged his living quarters but Hawke felt like she could rest here. She felt like she could sleep for days. 

She did in fact fall asleep and only stirred when she felt Anders tuck the blanket in around her. She tugged on his hand, pulling him to her. He sat on the edge of the bed, looking down into her eyes.

"Go rest," he said softly. "It's morning now and there is work I have to do. You're safe here. I promise. No one will disturb you."

He helped her out of her coat and better arranged the bedding around her. He snubbed out the candle and closed the door behind him. 

Hawke woke a few hours later and seeing Anders still at work, she slipped out and headed home without another word. 

_____________________________________

Two days later, Hawke met with the merchant that Isabela had long been attempting to set her up with. She liked him right away. She didn't trust him, but she liked him. They talked for a long time over ale and while Hawke never got drunk, she felt warmer and a bit more confident. It sounded like...honestly, the whole thing was a terrible idea, but it was better than any idea she had. She just couldn't swing fifty gold. Not when she barely had ten and she needed to hoard every bit she had for Bethany.

"You've got skills other than sex," Varric pointed out. "I've heard you're very good at talking yourself into and out of situations. You could do a bit of mercenary work without even having to shed a bit of blood. I think you could earn forty gold in the next few weeks. I'll even help. You just have to say yes."

"What else do you need?" Hawke asked. "What else can I bargain with?"

Varric smirked. "You're sweet, but you're not my type. I've gotten supplies taken care of. Transportation. I could use another person or two on the team but they'll be compensated from whatever we haul. The only thing I really need is a map of the area and I've got a lead on that. Apparently there's a former Grey Warden somewhere in Darktown. We go shaking his tree, we might get something out of him."

Hawke's chest tightened. No. Anders had been nothing but kind to her. She wouldn't betray his trust, not for anything. 

"How much would you be willing to pay for them?" She asked.

Varric considered. "Maybe a couple of gold. Be better if we had him as a guide. If he was willing to come along, I might throw in another ten as an incentive. I've put out feelers but I'm not getting much back. If you're thinking of stealing them, I wouldn't. You don't want to piss off a Grey Warden. This one especially."

"I'll think about it," Hawke said. "I'll get back to you."

"Don't wait long, kid. My guess is we've got maybe three weeks before we have to hit the road. The sooner, the better."

After they said their goodbyes, Hawke stood at the doorstep of the Hanged Man and tried to decide what to do next. Bethany would help her with the funds. She might even come along and help. But Anders...

No. She would talk to him but she wouldn't steal from him. She would pay him herself and make sure he stayed anonymous. That was what she would do. First, she had to apologize for running out on him. Then she would buy the maps. Bethany and her would figure out the rest. She would keep Anders out of it.

Hawke arrived at the clinic to find it in chaos. There were seven people with multiple stab wounds and Anders was running around trying to save all of them, barking out orders to any able hands. Hawke jumped into the fray and held down a young woman's abdomen, assuring her that the bleeding would stop and everything would be just fine. 

Hawke was there for maybe four hours. By then one of the victims had died but the other six had survived, including the woman whose guts Hawke had held in her hands. The six were now laying in cots in the clinic and their loved ones sitting nearby to monitor them. 

Anders probably would have stood there by all of them every moment of the night but Hawke eventually forced him to at least sit down and eat something. She practically spoon-fed him gruel as he attended to someone's persistent head ringing. Anders kept working until he was shaking and Hawke forced him to lie down. 

Anders protested at first but when Hawke promised to wake him if anything changed, he relented and closed his eyes. She sat with him for a time until she was sure he had drifted off. Hawke hesitated before kissing his furrowed brow. She rose and went into the clinic. She pulled up a chair near the front of the room and watched the door. The clinic was neutral ground, even to gang violence. No one interfered for risk they would no longer get medical treatment. But whatever had caused this brawl had been brutal and Hawke was taking no chances. No one else was dying on her watch.

_____________________________________

Hawke sat there through the night. Anders woke up a few times, checking on his patients, before being sent back to bed by Hawke herself. Near what Hawke assumed was dawn, Bethany came to find her. It was almost comical, seeing Bethany in her middle class clothes kneeling in the dirt beside her. Hawke had convinced her to at least rest on Hawke's cloak to spare her scrubbing her dress later.

"I spoke with Serendipity," Bethany said. "She said she can cover for you for a few hours so you can get some sleep before coming in. I tried to get you the day off but since you had yesterday off, she thinks the Madam won't have it."

Hawke rubbed her eyes. "It's fine. I can go in."

"How did it go with the dwarf?"

Hawke told her about the great treasure hunt, leaving out the part about the maps. Bethany nodded solemnly throughout it and then offered, "I can give twenty-five."

"What?" Hawke asked sleepily.

"I can give twenty-five. Martin offered it to me for a new wardrobe as an engagement present. Well, a pre-engagement present. Between us, we can have thirty-five gold. And I can work some shifts at the Rose with you. We can make ten gold in two weeks, I'm sure of it. And the sooner we go, the safer it'll be."

Hawke shook her head. "I'm not taking you to the Rose. I don't know if you're still a virgin, I'm assuming so, and I know you'd rather wait until you're married. Besides, if someone gets wind of it...no, it's not happening. And that's way too much money, Beth. And what if he finds out you spent it on some hare-brained scheme and not on new clothes?"

Bethany smiled. "Then you just have to bring us back some treasure."

Hawke heard footsteps and turned to see Anders behind her. She smiled at him and he smiled back so softly it made her heart hurt. It was only when she heard Bethany's quiet giggle that Hawke snapped back to reality. 

"I'm taking my sister home for a nap," Bethany said cheerfully. "If that is all right with the good doctor?"

Anders agreed, "Of course. I don't know what I would have done without you, Hawke." 

Hawke replied, "That was all you, Anders. I just got to look tough and scary."

She stood, wincing. If she did go on the expedition and come back filthy rich, she was buying him some better chairs. And maybe giving him enough to hire someone to help him out. And maybe-

"Actually," Hawke said, "can I talk to you for a minute first? Alone?"

Anders agreed and she went with him into his room again. It was slightly less chaotic than in the past and she suspected that some of the times he was supposed to be sleeping he had actually been working. He definitely needed an assistant.

He sat at his desk chair and she stood in front of him, trying not to pace. 

Hawke said nervously, "I need your help. It's a big thing to ask and I know we're both exhausted and really need baths but if I don't ask you now, I won't. It's what I came down to talk about yesterday before everything. I...it's um..."

Anders promised, "Whatever it is, I'm here for you. Just tell me."

Hawke briefly explained Varric's plan, almost word for word like she had said it to Bethany, while Anders nodded along solemnly. 

Anders admitted, "It's not the worst get rich scheme I've ever heard. He's right. If you were going to do it, now would be the time. So how can I help?"

Hawke said, "He knows about you. Or at least, of you. He's been looking for Grey Warden maps of the region and he knows there's a former Grey Warden living in Darktown. I didn't say a word about you, I swear. But he wants to buy any maps you might have and I want to buy them from you first. I don't want him to go poking around and finding out more about you. I can give you two gold now and I'll give you whatever is left over after I pay for Bethany's dowry. I swear. I want to help you and I don't want to take advantage of you. But I really need the money and I think this is my best way of doing it. He said he would pay you to come along and give you a portion of the treasure but I know you have your clinic and your friend and I don't want to drag you along on this scheme that I'm probably not even going to come back from."

Anders asked, "When do we go?"

"What?" Hawke asked in shock.

"You will be a lot safer with me there. I can sense darkspawn and I'm a skilled healer. I'm a bit claustrophobic but I can handle it. I can manage maybe a month at the clinic if I bring in a few helpers and if not, I'll just close it until we get back. I'll sell him the maps and take his coin and use it towards your portion. I'll take whatever he gives me as pay if we find anything. You can use the rest to get you and your family out of Lowtown and to pay off your debt to the Madam."

Hawke's throat closed and she found herself unable to say anything but, "No, I can't. I can't, no. No, I-"

Anders stood and assured her, "I'm with you, Hawke. I promise. There are a few things I need to take care of and I may need your help for some of them. But we'll do this together. If you want me there, I'm yours."

Hawke touched his cheek, his stubble rough against her soft fingers. She felt an overwhelming need to hold him, to protect him. She wanted a better life for him, almost as badly as she wanted a better life for herself. At some point she had started viewing their futures as the same and she wasn't sure when or how. But whatever this was between them was rapidly becoming serious. 

Hawke murmured, "It doesn't matter, you know. I don't care what deep dark secrets you have, just as long as you never keep them from me. I really, really want to kiss you but I'm not interested in some tragic, pining romance. I want it to be real. I want to be your partner and your equal." 

"There's something I need to tell you," Anders whispered. "And there are some things I can never tell you. Things about the Underground that will only put you in danger. But there's something...there's something I've been keeping from you and I can't...I want to tell you, but..."

"Then tell me something else," Hawke said, brushing her nose against his. "Tell me something so I know this is real." 

So instead, his lips a breath from hers, Anders told her his real name. 

Hawke closed her eyes, about to kiss him when she heard Bethany calling. She pulled away, taking Anders' hands in hers for a moment before finally relenting to her sister and following her out of the clinic.  
_____________________________________

After Hawke took out a loan from Lusine and negotiated a month's leave, there was enough for them to take part in the expedition. It could only be a small group, Varric warned. He was taking Isabela as his partner and Hawke could only bring one person. It had to be Anders. They couldn't afford her share unless it was Anders. 

Hawke went to see him at his clinic but he was far too busy for them to talk long. He only confirmed he meant his offer sincerely and told her there was something he would need her help with before they left. She promised him she would be there. 

Hawke went to Varric and made the arrangements. Six days. The dwarf was pleasantly surprised, thinking they'd have to wait until Hawke's contract was up. But it was better this way. The sooner they left, the safer it would be.

All she needed to do now was to explain it to Bethany and Leandra.

Hawke waited until the morning after her last shift. Bethany had primed Leandra the night before and their mother had apparently started to come around to Bethany risking her new wardrobe for the venture. Leandra was a practical woman. The wardrobe wouldn't be any good if Bethany couldn't get married. But they were both still under the impression that Bethany would be going with Hawke and that Hawke would somehow manage to earn that much gold so quickly.

Over breakfast, Hawke slowly steeled herself and by the time it was time to wash the dishes, she told them both about Anders and the Grey Warden maps. Hawke was practical about it. Their party was already balanced poorly - her skills greatly overlapped with Isabela's and Varric's. If they could only have one mage, they needed one who was the stronger fighter. Besides, this was a gamble to pay for Bethany's dowry. Bethany had to be alive for it to be worth it. Hawke and Anders had already agreed that if something happened to Hawke and he survived, he would take care of the younger sister. And Anders needed to be there or they weren't even going to be able to get into the Deep Roads at all.

Bethany said nothing, but Hawke could see she was hurt. They didn't keep anything from each other but Hawke had hidden this burden and had made decisions about it without Bethany even being consulted. Hawke knew they would work through it and hopefully Bethany would come around to it before they had to say goodbye.

It was Leandra who spoke first, asking almost coolly, "Are you in love with him?"

Hawke thought of their near kiss, of his promise to her. Whatever they were, they were sworn to each other in a way that she couldn't quite explain. 

"No," Hawke said, shaking her head. "He's been a good friend to me and he's devoted to his work." 

Leandra smiled. "That is a relief to hear. There is opportunity here, if this gamble of yours pays off. We could buy back the Estate and you could take your place as a Lady. People will forget this year of your life. Both my girls married to fine men and well settled...it is more than I could have dreamed of. We must throw an engagement party for Bethany as soon as you return, dear daughter. We will celebrate this new life and shed all the grief and suffering of this last year."

Bethany confided, "Martin and I plan to name our first son after Carver. Carver Malcolm. I hope that is all right."

Leandra teared up, taking her daughter's hand in hers. "It is a fine name. Oh Beth, I am so happy right now. This year will be a blessed one for our family, I know it."

_____________________________________

Two days later, Anders came to the Hanged Man to find Hawke. She was deep in conversation with Varric, working out a supply issue, but she quickly excused herself. Varric kindly gave them his room, saying he would be down at the bar whenever Hawke was ready to go back to work.

"I know this is little notice," Anders apologized, "but this cannot wait."

"It's fine," Hawke promised. "What's going on?"

"I told you before about my friend in the Circle. We usually write at least once a week to each other but I haven't received anything from him in some time. I thought an agent had been compromised and had been lying low, but no one else is having difficulty. I've been looking into it but no one seems to have much information, except that he has been moved to a low-security floor at the Gallows. He and a few other mages volunteer to clean the Chantry twice a month and he should be there this evening. I need to see him and make sure he's safe. Would you come with me? Provide a distraction so I can speak to him alone for even a moment? I can't risk another agent to do this and I know that you know quite a few Templars through your work. I know that...I wouldn't blame you if you weren't comfortable. I really wouldn't." 

"I'll be fine," Hawke assured. "I'll be there for whatever you need."

Anders sighed in relief. "Thank you, Hawke. I'll see you tonight."

_____________________________________

Hawke entered the Chantry first. She noticed the Templars on duty. Of the six, she had been hired by four of them. All of them had been relatively pleasant encounters and she gave each of them a sly smile before going down to the brazier. There were two women in Circle robes, lowly singing the Chant as they tended to the fire. Hawke knelt to say her prayers, glancing up through the eternal flames. Both of them were marked with a sunburst on their foreheads. Hawke knew that symbol. It had haunted her father's nightmares for all of her childhood. They were Tranquil. Cut off from the source of magic and a shadow of their former selves. 

Hawke joined in the Chant for a time until she saw Anders in the corner of her eye. He briefly nodded to her and gestured his head down the hall towards the library.

Hawke rose to her feet and went to the library, making sure not to look at Anders as he sat down at a pew. She went up the stairs to find a single Templar at the door and she grinned, seeing it was a young man who she was quite acquainted with. He noticed her and blushed a deep red.

"Mistress," he greeted anxiously. "I did not expect to see you here. The library is closed for cataloging. I hope you understand. You'll have to come back."

Hawke sighed. "A shame. I rarely get nights off. I was hoping to review a favorite text of mine. Maybe you know it? _Hymns For A Blessed Wedding Night?_ A friend of mine is getting married and I was hoping to recite it at her stag. You know, the piece about-"

He coughed, clearing his throat. "Yes, I know the verses."

Hawke smiled coyly. "Well, maybe you could do me a favor then. Maybe you and I can study the text together and then find a place to go and....practice it together. What do you say, Private James? Could you find it in your heart to help a sinner like me?"

James glanced at the door to the library and back at her. 

Hawke continued, "I know you're very efficient at...educating a woman. Perhaps with your expertise we could skip the text all together and find a nice quiet place for an oral lecture. Surely your charges will be safe and sound in the Chantry of all places and won't miss you for a few minutes."

James agreed, "He'll be fine for more than a few minutes. Sister Petrice's study was left open for cleaning. She happens to have a very sturdy desk."

Hawke hooked her arm in his. "Then lead on, Private."

Hawke looked briefly over her shoulder and saw Anders slinking towards them. She flashed her open hand against her back. Five minutes. 

Though, she turned out to underestimate the Private's stamina. He seemed to have gotten a bit of experience in the months since she had taken his virginity. But he was still lacking in skill. He didn't do much more than throw her over the desk before his pants were down. He gave a little dirty talk, most about her already having a sheath ready in her jacket, but then he finished without much of a worry about her. 

When they were done, James led her back to the library to look at the book. Upon entering the room, Hawke screamed and turned away, burying her face in his shoulder. The image was still imprinted in her mind and while her shock was real, she mostly hid her face to not show her tears. A Tranquil man lay dead on his back, his eyes closed, his arms folded lovingly over his belly, and a dagger lodged in his heart.

James started swearing and told her to get out of there. Hawke didn't need much convincing and ran out. She left through the back, going down the alley where she was supposed to meet Anders. He was folded over, dry heaving between heavy sobs. He looked up to see her and nearly fell as he stumbled to her. Hawke held him and took his face in hers, murmuring the same soft things she would tell the twins when they were young and afraid of the dark. Anders held onto her arms, clinging to her as he broke. 

"I didn't know," Anders whispered. "I didn't...I couldn't...I couldn't leave him like that. I promised him. I promised him that I would never...my God, my God, he should have been safe."

"We need to get out of here," Hawke murmured. "Were you seen?"

He shook his head. "No. No, let's go."

_____________________________________

Hawke stayed with him that night in his little bed. She held him as he wept, telling her everything. From his first escape attempt to meeting Karl to joining the Wardens to Kirkwall. All of it came in a long unbroken stream and it was too much for Hawke to take all in but she understood enough. She asked no questions until it came to Justice. He answered everything without hesitation, baring this part of his soul that he had never shared with another. 

That should have been it for them. Hawke should have thanked him, left, gotten a bigger loan, and never spoken to him again. But Hawke found it only made her feel bound to him. His heart was so full of love and compassion that it was literally binding a vengeful spirit to him. The thing that should have destroyed him couldn't completely take him because Anders was just so good. 

They slept in each other's arms like they were made to fit together.


	6. Chapter 6

The next three weeks of Hawke's life were hell. There was no other way to put it but that. Every day she woke up with a deep dread that she had made a terrible mistake. She had risked everything and she was going to get everyone killed. And Anders. Poor Anders had nightmares every time he closed his eyes. He could hear the darkspawn as loudly as he could hear her voice as she tried to wake him. 

Isabela was a balm. She and Hawke were becoming great friends outside of their previous professional context. Varric was a delight and Hawke got on with him very well. But they were only friendly and kind distractions from Hawke's existential fears. Hawke was walking towards her death, dragging Anders with her. Bethany would be captured. Leandra and Gamlen would starve to death. It was inevitable. Hawke was going to fail. She wasn't a hero. She wasn't someone who came back from the brink with a swagger and heaps of gold. 

Anders rarely left her side but they barely spoke and when they did, it was for only practical reasons. She understood. He was in mental anguish, facing his greatest fears while nursing his shattered heart. Whatever he might have felt for Hawke was overswept by the enormity of his grief over Karl. 

But he could only sleep when she was near. It was fitful and pained, but he trusted her. Sometimes if she woke first, his arm would be protectively around her. 

All of this had been hard enough. But then when they were betrayed, left to die, forced to fight their way back to the surface...

They suffered but Hawke felt oddly the most calm then. She was a hunter. This wasn't her terrain, but a hunter was always a hunter. She could keep them sheltered and fed. Anders knew where the enemy was, knew their weaknesses. They could have survived the rest of their natural lives down there, if they had to. Isabela joked about this, the two of them being right out of some pulpy adventure romance, like two castaways forced to rebuild society and repopulate the world. 

They hadn't kissed yet, she and Anders. She wondered if it might ever happen or if the possibility had burned out. She felt close to him then. She felt close to all of them, surviving through that hell together with relative grace and dignity. But her bond to Anders felt like it was beyond words. 

When they reached the surface, breathing fresh air after believing they would forever be entombed, Hawke felt her anxiety fade and for the first time in her life felt true relief. It would be okay now. Everything would be okay. 

_____________________________________

They were back less than twelve hours before Anders heard from a fellow agent that the Templars were coming for Bethany. It was the middle of the night, but Hawke got straight out of bed, grabbed her sister, stowed her away with Anders, and went to talk to Martin Bouhard herself.

Though it was four in the morning, Hawke managed to convince the housekeeper to let her in. Martin was luckily already awake, already in his study and working on some capitalist business venture Hawke didn't care about. 

Hawke began the conversation by slamming a bag filled with a hundred gold coins on his desk. Martin looked up in shock, clearly about to ask a hundred questions in response when Hawke put up a finger to shut him up.

"We don't have time," Hawke insisted, "so we're going to have to make this real quick. In a few hours, my sister is going to get arrested and brought to the Circle where she'll spend the rest of her life in prison. So I need to know if you intend to marry her. Because if you don't, you are never going to see her again. Are you in love with my sister? Yes or no."

Martin confessed, "Yes. I love her."

"Good," Hawke replied. "Then this is what's going to happen. The two of you are going to elope right now. I've got more where this came from. You'll go and have a romantic secretive wedding far from here. Come back in a few months when things have cooled down and I've got a bit more leverage. But you've got to mean it. Because I'm not letting my baby sister marry someone who doesn't love her. I'll rescue her some other way, whatever way, but she seems to love you and I'd rather her not spend a lifetime on the run. You got a ring?"

Martin nodded. "Yes."

"Even better. Go pack a bag. We're leaving in five minutes."

From there Hawke snuck Martin out his home and out to the docks. There Bethany waited with a large suitcase, Anders and Isabela talking nearby. At the sight of Martin, Bethany dropped everything and ran to him. He swept her into his arms and kissed her. Isabela put her hand over her heart, smiling. 

"See? That's how in love people are supposed to act," she teased Anders. "You don't do enough dramatic romantic shit like that. I expect when I pick the two of you up for your elopement there's going to be a bit more passion."

Anders rolled his eyes. "Just get them there safe. You've got the letter?"

"Don't worry. We've got all the same mutual friends. I know what I'm doing."

Hawke hugged her sister tightly, burying her face in her hair.

"You be careful," Hawke murmured. "Just stay low and enjoy your time together. I'll write to you when it's safe. I love you so much."

Bethany sniffled back tears. "You'll explain to Mother? You'll say goodbye to her? And to Gamlen? And Huan?"

"I will," Hawke promised. "They'll all understand. This isn't goodbye. Not for real. We'll all be together again soon. I'm going to buy the Estate. We'll all have a home together. I swear it."

Bethany cried and Hawke kissed her forehead. And then she was gone. 

Hawke waved to Isabela, knowing the pirate likely couldn't see her in the dark. Hawke didn't start crying until they were out of sight. Anders brought her into his arms and let her sob into his jacket. 

Hawke whispered, "If we had gotten back later. Even a day later, then-"

Anders murmured, "She's safe. That's all that matters. You won, Hawke. Your gamble paid off. Your sister is safe. You can pay off your debts. You can give your mother a home. You did what you set out to do."

Hawke agreed quietly, "Yeah, I guess I did."

_____________________________________

At dawn, Hawke had a long talk with her mother. She and Leandra cried, both in relief and in regret, and held each other. Then Hawke finally slept. Or at least, she tried to. After tossing and turning, Hawke got up. Gamlen was still snoring in the other room, Huan under his arm. Leandra was already out to the Chantry, saying blessings for her daughter's marriage. While she was there, she planned to collect birth and marriage certificates to begin to petition for the return of the Amell Estate. Leandra's goal was to have the property back by the end of the week.

Hawke, lost and unsure about her future, decided to get a head start on her mother's plans. She wasn't as good at lockpicking as some people in her life, but it wasn't hard sneaking in through the back of the Estate.

She wandered through the empty house, abandoned and neglected for so long. She tried to imagine her life there. There were at least seven bedrooms. What in Thedas was she going to do with seven bedrooms? And that wasn't even including the servants' quarters, which she definitely was going to have to do some renovations on. Then a library and a study and both a dining room and a parlor...Andraste, this was too much for her. This wasn't her. 

Hawke kept exploring and ended up in the wine cellar. There were squatters here, a gang of ruffians that Gamlen had dealings with. Hawke essentially told them to piss off. There was a bit more violence than that, but she essentially just scared them. She didn't feel like shedding blood just so she could get drunk in an abandoned basement.

Hawke found a few things abandoned by her family. Leandra's bridal portrait. A few letters between her father and the Templar who had set him free. She bundled these things up and placed them in her bag for later. Hawke kept exploring until it grew dark. She didn't know what she was looking for. Maybe some sort of sign of what to do next. She was hoping that finding trinkets of the past would help soothe her but she felt just as restless as before. 

Hawke was about to give up and go back upstairs when she noticed a thin, deep line running the entire height of one of the walls. Hawke went down and placed her fingers in the groove. She felt cool air beneath it and gripped the wood to get better leverage. Hawke then threw her weight into it, pulling towards her until the wall shifted, revealing a passageway. It was nearly pitch dark behind the hidden door and she lit a torch to better examine her findings. It was a long tunnel, longer than she could see the end of and there appeared to be at least one major turn in it. Hawke went inside, closing the door behind her. She quickly attempted to open it again but found it had locked behind her. Hawke pushed aside her momentary panic and journeyed further along. She walked for some time before she saw a similar door on the other side. Hawke picked its lock and stepped out into a storage room. Hawke frowned and held her torch closer to the shelves. Potions, elixirs. Bandages. A few worn out medical texts. She had been in here before. She had come in here to get metallic thread for Anders. This was his clinic.

Hawke opened the door and stepped out into the main room. She tried to close the door as softly as possible but Anders still seemed to hear her. He started to warn her quite sternly that there were no opioids on site but then stopped when he saw her standing there.

"Hawke? What are you doing here?" Anders asked. 

Hawke had even more questions than he did. Why? Why did her ancestral home connect to Darktown? And why here in Darktown? Why this supply closet in this clinic that had been empty for over a decade before Anders had shown up? It had to be just a coincidence but...why?

Then something solidified in her chest. This was her answer. Not all of it. But the important part. It was him. She didn't need any symbol of the past to give her guidance. She needed to see what her future was. Him. They had a literal secret passage between their homes. They could always find each other, always protect each other. They were supposed to be together. 

"Hawke?"

Hawke was too stunned to speak and he came closer, instinctively putting his hand on her forehead to check for fever. She loved him for it. 

"I just needed to see you," Hawke admitted. 

Anders moved his hand to her cheek, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm glad you came." 

Hawke followed Anders into his room. He flopped onto his bed and she laid down beside him. Anders put his arms around her, bringing her head to rest against his chest. Hawke snuggled into him, breathing in the scent of him. 

"I missed you," she murmured. "I know that's silly, but I really did."

Hawke shuffled, looking up into his eyes. Anders cupped her face in his palm and she leaned in closer. Anders pressed his forehead to hers and his breath grew shaky. 

Anders warned softly, "Justice thinks this is a mistake. This won't end well. You should find someone else, Hawke. Someone who won't break your heart, one way or another."

With a nervous smile, Hawke admitted, "I think the mistake has already been made. By both of us. So if you're going to break my heart anyways, you might as well kiss me first."

Anders' mouth suddenly met hers and he kissed her so fiercely and hungrily she thought she might just die in his arms right there and then. Hawke wrapped herself around him, desperate to touch any of him. Anders broke the kiss and pressed his forehead to hers.

Anders whispered, "I feel as if I have been aching for you my whole life. I have never...I have never felt anything like this before."

Before Hawke could reply, Anders kissed her again. She moved first, unbuttoning and unlacing every piece of his clothing she could reach. They were far too entangled to make it work and they both laughed before standing and undressing themselves before the other. Once they were naked, Hawke pulled Anders back into bed with her. Anders brought the meager blankets around them and shifted his pillow, making sure her head was protected from the hard wooden slats beneath them. He knelt above her, his body barely touching hers. Anders kissed down her belly and then he - 

Hawke had received oral sex before, both in a professional capacity and in a personal capacity. She enjoyed it but honestly it was never something she really craved. She always just felt awkward and splayed out and it was hard for her to relax enough to really get into it. Her mind would always be racing too much, wondering if her partner actually enjoyed it, wondering if she felt or tasted weird, or if she was being selfish just lying there while someone else did the work. 

So it as unromantic as it sounded, that was the moment Hawke realized she was in love with him. Because she didn't care. None of those fears came to the surface longer than a second because it was Anders. His mouth on her sex, his tongue inside of her...Maker, he drank of her like she was an oasis spring in the desert. And his moans...she could feel them through her own skin. She curled her fingers in his hair and wrapped her thighs around his neck. They were like this for a time, Hawke growing closer and closer to the edge but not able to get there. But then he looked up at her, his brown eyes full of insatiable hunger, and Hawke knew that he would be there all night if she asked it of him. He wanted her but it wasn't the lust of someone who just wanted to get off. He wanted her to come in his mouth and he was going to pleasure her until she did. 

And when she finally did, tears streaming down her cheeks, Anders let out a deep and primal groan that shook her to her core. As soon as she could think, she pulled him up and kissed him. Anders held her, his cock hot and heavy against her belly. 

Hawke asked breathlessly, "Do you have a sheath?"

Anders scowled, clearly annoyed at himself. "No. They're too expensive for me to give out and I didn't think that this was going to happen."

Hawke knew she wasn't thinking rationally but she very much wanted to continue having sex with him. "I got checked out just before the Deep Roads. I'm in the clear, if you are. You could just pull out."

To her surprise, Anders laughed. "Oh love, there are things we should have definitely talked about before now."

Hawke asked, "Such as?"

Anders' face fell and his jovial tone faded. "There are side effects to becoming a Grey Warden. I...I may not be able to father a child. Ever." 

Hawke wanted to say a great deal of things, but only managed a soft, "Oh."

Anders murmured, "I should have told you." 

Hawke brushed her nose against his. "It's not something that comes up naturally in conversation between friends, Anders. It's okay. Anything else I should know?"

"Probably," Anders admitted. "But right now all I can think of is being inside of you."

"Then tell me in the morning when you remember what other terrible news you have to give me," Hawke said gently. "Whatever it is, I still want you. So if we're not going to get the other sick or pregnant, then I want to keep going. Okay?"

Anders agreed and kissed her deeply. "Okay."

They held each other for a time, kissing and cuddling, before Hawke reached between them and touched him. Anders shuddered and placed his hand over hers, stilling her. 

"I want to focus on you," Anders murmured. "Let me?"

Anders cradled her in his arms, so tenderly that she felt like she might break. Then he slid two of his long fingers inside of her. She held onto him, her fingers gripping at his back. She buried her face in his shoulder, panting against his skin between half-considered kisses against his collarbone. Just with his fingers inside of her and his thumb circling her pearl, he took her apart. When she was close to another peak, she stopped him.

"I want you," she begged. "Please." 

Anders shifted, moved with her until her thighs were wrapped around his waist. She was so wet and ready for him that he had to use his hand to guide his cock to her entrance. When he slid inside of her, Hawke gasped. She hadn't had bareback sex since she started at the Rose. The full feeling of his skin against hers, the sheer heat of him, it was enough to make her whine.

Hawke wrapped herself so tightly around him that Anders could only thrust shallowly into her, more rutting than anything else as he almost completely seated in her. He kissed her hungrily and slowly she relaxed, loosening her hold until he could move more freely, gaining leverage to thrust deeper. Anders shifted his angle until his cock brushed the parts of her already so swollen from her previous climaxes. She cried out and he quickened his motions, the head of his cock stroking fiercely against her until she came once more, her body clenching down around him. She rode that wave as he pounded into her. As she came down, it grew to be too much, her legs shaking, her pleasure still twitching through her almost painfully as he continued his thrusts. But she didn't want to let go, she never wanted to let go. She wanted him so badly she would have given anything for him to keep going. 

When she was on the edge of coming a fourth time, it grew almost painful. Before she could say anything, he withdrew and moved his head back between her legs. He coaxed her through this crest with his mouth, his tongue gentle against her, his thumbs holding her open to him. She finished hard, whimpering, begging. Beyond the flood of her pleasure, she could feel something deep in her body release and Anders moaned at the taste of her, devouring her. 

As she came down again, Anders kissed her thighs and raised his head, looking at her with such desire that she was almost frightened. There was an animal in him, a monster, and it would eat her whole if he lowered his resolve. 

But Hawke had never been one to run from danger. So she led him back into her and guided him to pin her arms above her head. Anders took her again, growling against her neck. Hawke cried out, wrapping her legs around his lower back, shifting them so Anders was pounding her straight into the mattress. The weight of him against her, his chest against hers, his fingers laced with hers, it was so possessive and protective that Hawke could do nothing but look into his fierce brown eyes and hold herself back from begging for him not to stop. 

Anders' breath caught in his chest and she knew he was close. His fingers tightened on hers and his thrusts grew harder, his skin slapping against hers. He had been so quiet beyond his pants before but now he moaned her name, so softly that it was little but a whimper. He let go of her hands and her fingers went to his hair, holding his face to hers. She kissed him and he unraveled, holding her hips flush to him as he slammed into her. 

"Love," he pleaded. "I'm...I'm going to...love, let me spend myself in you."

Hawke could only nod, too breathless to speak. 

Anders lasted only a moment longer before he moaned, deep and low, rutting until she felt his seed spill into her. His movements grew erratic and he desperately thrust into her, almost crying against her shoulder. He thrust until he grew soft then stilled, remaining inside of her. He pressed his forehead to hers and she kissed him, holding him to her. 

Hawke managed a shaky laugh. "I don't think I've ever...Maker, Anders, I've never gotten off that many times before."

Anders admitted, "It's been awhile and I've...I've wanted this for so long but normally I get off at least twice myself before I lose my erection.

Hawke's eyes widened. "I was a professional and even I'm intimidated by that."

Anders reminded, "I'm a mage and a Grey Warden, love. It's got to be good for something. Sometime when we're not both exhausted, I'll really rock your world."

Hawke sighed. "You make me very glad I'm retired, Anders. I don't think I could handle that on top of my clients."

Anders brushed his nose against hers. "Me too. It would have been fine, but I'm glad to have you all to myself." 

"I would say the same, but you do have another passenger on board. Did Justice have a good time too?" 

"Of course, but he would never admit it."

Hawke laughed again. "Of course."

Anders shifted them until he was on his back and Hawke was lying on his chest. He put his arm around her and she held his hand. 

Hawke murmured, "I know it won't always be like this, but right now, I know whatever happens next will be worth it."

Anders smiled tiredly. "Right now, I could believe that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be a 2k drabble to distract myself from Nano and then look at this, look at this trash lol


End file.
